Carefree or skinny? (um, yes?)

Back in the throes of adolescence and raging hormones, my friends and I used to play this fun little game:

Would you rather be really skinny no matter what you ate or have an absolutely beautiful face?

This dysfunctional posturing usually divided us pretty evenly into two camps: it was “well, my weight is something I should be able to control so I choose the gorgeous face” versus “I would give anything to be skinny and never have to think about it ever, ever, never, ever again.”

I thought that I wanted to be skinny so that I could stop worrying about my weight. I wanted to be one of those girls who can eat whatever she wants, unapologetically and unselfconsciously, and always remain effortlessly slender.

Then a few years ago I started noticing a pattern. When I get what I thought I wanted (cool apartment, boyfriend, fancy job title, anything really), it never felt the way I hoped it would. And I started wondering, what is the deal?

All kinds of crazy smart people (Malcolm Gladwell, Daniel Gilbert) have researched and written about this very topic. And I did loads of reading and meditating and visualizing and journaling – all of it to figure out what step I was missing and how I could fix it be happy now.

Eventually I learned about going to the balcony: identifying the feeling I’m really hoping for, and consciously choosing to act the way I want to feel. (I don’t mean to oversimplify this process – after years of building ruts in my brain, at first it looked kind of like one step forward, 347 steps back.)

I realized that when it came to being thin, one of the things I really wanted was to feel carefree. Oh yes, there were other wants tangled up in this perpetual longing, both shallow and complex, but feeling carefree was really the golden nugget.

Hmmm. So I spent the last 15 years worrying about my weight so that someday, when I reach that ultimate pinnacle of svelteness, I won’t have to worry anymore.

Wait. Wha?!?

I feel so freaking blessed to discover that it just doesn’t work that way. In my experience, you can’t lose weight by worrying yourself into a stress ball of anxiety about your weight. It kind of kills the whole carefree vibe, you know?

Instead I started finding ways to embody *carefree*. I spent time dwelling in that feeling state. I learned how to relax and be still in areas of my life seemingly unrelated to weight. And then getting thin (and more importantly, healing body image) became this delicious little perk instead of the whole point of my whole life.

Maybe for you it’s not about feeling carefree. Maybe you’re hoping to lose weight so that you can feel confident or happy. Or maybe you don’t even care about losing weight. Maybe you want to get married so that you can feel supported and loved.

What about cultivating ways to feel confident and happy, or supported and loved, now? I’m not saying it’s easy to cut out the middle man, especially if you’ve spent years thinking “If only I can have X, then I’ll be ___ [happy, carefree, comfortable in my own skin]. But for me, it was the only way to freedom.

For one thing, you might actually enjoy the journey. And, of course, it will make getting what you really want pretty much inevitable.