Right before you do that thing you wish you didn’t do.

I had a moment over the holidays when I thought that I might want to eat way too much of some really junky trail mix. You know, the kind that’s salty and sweet with nuts and raisins and M&M’s? M&M’s!

And in that moment, I was sitting at a coffee shop with my family. Eating a treat. Only I was totally missing out on the experience because I was off in some future moment gorging on some different treat.

This takes some awareness. (I’ve had lots of practice.)
Sometimes I can watch these intense impulses rise and fall. Not that I let the impulse fall every single time. Or that the slew of tricks and techniques and fairy dust I use are absolutely failproof.

Sometimes I eat the M&M’s. But most of time I don’t. Not out of self control; the desire just kinda fades.

When you’re caught in a painful pattern of doing something you really don’t want to do, you just want to know why. It feels so out of control. And then there’s the self-loathing that usually tags along. Ugh.

And it’s not like you get to enjoy whatever you’re doing. The whole time your inner dialogue just rants:

Stop it! Stop! Why are you doing this? You are disgusting. You’re not even hungry. And you’re going to feel terrible after. Terrible! Tomorrow will be terrible! And, why? Just why why WHY?

No, really. Why?
In that moment thinking about the M&M’s, I noticed one of the many answers to why. As I sat in the coffee shop with my family eating one treat semi-consciously and planning another treat in my head… That moment wasn’t terrible at all. It was delicious. And exhilarating. Exhilarating. Oh, that’s why.

Usually, when we feel that little trill of emotion before we do something we don’t want to do, we try to push it away. Urgently. Fervently. No no no. I don’t want to overeat. NO!

We think recognizing the impulse means automatically giving in. Losing control. And we try to resist.

Resistance really is futile.
The harder you try to resist, the more urgent your impulse becomes. And then you can’t get out without doing that thing you don’t want to do. And doing it becomes something you hate about yourself:
God, I have no self-control, I’m disgusting. What the hell is wrong with me? Oh yeah, everything…

But there’s a good reason for doing the things we do. We’re getting to feel exhilarated or we’re sneaking a moment of escape. Whatever it is for you, you can be sure you’re getting something you need.

You can find the reason for the pattern. Yeah, sometimes you’ll still do the thing. But acknowledging that you’re getting something out of it: Huge. And then when the impulse comes, you can say:
Oh hello, exhilaration. I was expecting you.

When you allow the pattern to exist, you can find nourishing ways to meet your needs. Like Pooh said:

“Well,” said Pooh, “what I like best — ” and then he had to stop and think. Because although Eating Honey was a very good thing to do, there was a moment just before you began to eat it which was better than when you were, but he didn’t know what it was called.