The Dictator and the Wild Child. And you.

Wherever you go, there you are. This is a theme that’s been on my mind lately. As part of my Great Sewing Experiment, I noticed a pattern of punishment woven through my relationship with myself. 

The gist of it is that I didn’t follow through on something I wanted to do. And immediately some part of me pounced on the opportunity to inflict a bit of punishment. It brought me right back to my old relationship with eating and exercise stuff. I rode one long, scary roller coaster of overindulgence following by extreme restriction and deprivation.

If I ate in a way that was less than what I deemed to be perfect, I would inflict a strict regime of deprivation. This pattern created an internal tug-of-war that, by definition, I just couldn’t win. When you battle yourself, a part of you has to lose. 

Martha Beck writes in The Four Day Win about two personas who are constantly struggling for control over our behavior: the Dictator and the Wild Child. They can wreck havoc on our eating and exercise behavior, yes, but the tendency shows up in lots of other places, too. Hence, my Dictator’s appearance mid-sewing experiment.

Of all the tools that helped me heal my body-related stuck spots, getting to know these two crazy ladies who live in my head has been one of the most enlightening.

During the scariest of my roller coaster riding days, if the Dictator felt I’d overindulged, she’d try to whip me into shape. And I’d follow along for awhile. But eventually the Dictator would get tired or bored and loosen her grip, at which point the Wild Child was waiting in the wings, only too happy to take the reins and announce a junk food free for all.

Back and forth they went, desperate for control. The key to breaking the cycle was realizing that neither the Dictator nor the Wild Child was me. I was beyond both, and realizing that meant I could stop identifying completely with whoever was trying to run the show at the moment. 

I hear clients and friends say they’re either on The Program (being disciplined, wielding willpower, doing things perfectly, losing weight) or they’re off The Program (absolutely out of control). And I say that during those times, someone else is running the show. Guess which is which.

Your Dictator runs a tight ship: there will be no straying from the celery and rice cakes. But eventually she gets tired or bored. The second she lets her guard down or turns her back, your Wild Child is at the ready, her graspy hands already grazing the bottom of a gallon of ice cream.

Here’s the thing: neither of these impulses are you. You are the awareness; the presence that can notice their demands and their impulses. You don’t have to be impressed by what they say or what they want you to do. Start by noticing them. This awareness can help you learn to disengage from the tug-of-war. Until eventually you reach a point where you can stop the struggle before it starts.